I'm grown

Well sorta, I mean I am still my mommy's child I know that I'll forever be...but I'm really frustrated right now because it feels like the roles have been reversed in this household. Where my mommy has become the child and I the parent. I mean what more can you ask for, you have a 21 year old daughter that doesn't date, has never had a boyfriend, doesn't do drugs, is a virgin, works, goes to school comes home and spends all her spare time with you. Yet whenever I decide out of the blue I want to do something like go out to eat, see a movie and maybe go out dancing I have to worry that my mommy will throw a temper tantrum. I'm tired of putting my youth on hold. I've always had to be the mature one, the level headed, responsible one. I've never been able to live my age I just want to be my dang age! I'm too old, figuratively and I'm about to hit a mid life crisis do something crazy and that's just not me. I'm not sure why she's afraid to let me enjoy my youth. Nothing can nor will ever take her place in my heart, I work as hard as I do to show her how much I admire the woman she is and the sacrifices that she's made for our family. I only hope to be half the woman that she is BUT I want to live for me as well. I really don't understand this dynamic that we have, I can't be a baby for ever, why is it okay for me to have all the responsibilities of a grown woman yet still be treated as if I'm 3 years old. Why am I not able to reminisce about the great night that I just had with friends, instead of blogging because I'm worried about how she feels about me going out and having a great night. Every time mommy doesn't approve Diva packs up her things and runs back under mommy's skirt ever so obedient...but when does it stop? When does the story say "Diva finds herself and lives her life?"

***Yeah this blog is about a journey so it wouldn't be a journey if I didn't share the vulnerable moments as well.***

DiVA 0UT, nite nite

Yoga Update

Did I make it through the 40 minute work out? No, I didn't even get to do one minute of it, my brother is in town taking over the living room so I couldn't disturb him. (Really, he'd beat me up) When I came home from work the  program was no longer there, it only saved it for 24hrs. I'm going to find some beginner yoga baby steps, lol I see some A.M yoga maybe that's more calm, it's been a while so I guess I need to take it slow. I'm screening yoga episodes my brother and sister are laughing at me, screw them!  I will not be defeated, again baby steps. I'm going to post some pictures of me doing poses at a friends house back in 2006. I did it before I'm going to do it again, shoot!

I'm meeting with a friend at 6 am to work out so that I can learn proper form for weight lifting, I don't want to hurt myself trying to get fit that's not t

he goal at all.  I won't be experimenting with the yoga tonight other than some meditation to calm my anxiety right now. I have a midterm in my logics course tomorrow. I get test anxiety, it's like I psyche myself out. This is what was going through my mind an hour ago:

 

Inner voice: What if you get something simple wrong, the professor is going to be grading the paper like, dang she's not taking my course seriously.

 Diva to inner voice: Nah, he knows I'm a hard worker.

 

IV: Well he's going to be wondering why you're not seriously working hard to learn his material. You must not be smart.

 

D: I am, but I'm under a lot of stress...test are not my forte.

 

IV: He don't care about your stress he's just wondering why you missed all these questions.

 

D: I'm not going to miss a lot of questions, I'm going to do well.

 

IV: You better, because we don't fail.

 

D: We sure don't!

 

Yeah lol now, everyone is thinking I'm crazy. Don't act like you don't have conversations with yourself internally. (LMBO)

 

Ugh I have an orthodontist appointment, normally I binge eat because my mouth is going to be sore for like 3 days, but won't that defeat the purpose of this exercise stuff? Guess I need to stop at the grocery store in the morning get some mashed potatoes and soup.

 Nite nite!

Let's Try Something New

Grrr, it took me forever to upload this but finally it's up even though it's now going to be broadcast through youtube rather than blogger. Soon the world will know my name....mwahahah, not quite but enjoy a new aspect of my musing.

Video introduction: I almost got hit by a semi truck driving home from work Monday night so I'm still afraid of driving on the highway at night when it's raining and it's been raining quite a bit so this is me at home after trying to do yoga using the video on demand service through my cable provider. 

-DiVA0Ut

What's Happening?

Guess where I just came from? If you guess the gym then ding ding ding

you are correct. You win 50 push ups get to it!! LOL One of my co-workers finally signed up for the gym and he asked me to work out with him today so that's what we did, even though the plan was to work out this morning we went after work. My arms are sore, but I've been neglecting the blog so I decided to go ahead and tuff it out.

I wish I could say yeah I've been killing it at the gym but see what had happened was...Okay, so after being worked until it hurt I tried going back the next day but Hurricane Ike had other plans with all the rain that it was giving that day so I skipped death and decided I would work out Wednesday. I don't know what happened but I never made it back to the gym. I didn't make it back until the 15th...I took a morning power walk and I made it 1.42 miles ended with a few lunges had breakfast showered than headed to work. I had plans to attend the gym after work but then I found out that someone passed away AT THE GYM and the gym would be closing temporarily. That was kind of scary so I just went home. I wasn't able to work out the next day because of school but I did work out again after that I just can't remember when. Than last week Friday morning I did my abs and one of the gym people helped me with the some excersices. He worked me out well but I didn't feel anything other than an adrenaline rush, than two days later it hit me and I felt like someone beat the mess out of my stomach. I was going to go back but that evil curse of womanhood reared it's nasty little head and I'm not quite cool with going to the gym during that time of the month yet. So I'd been working out at home until she went bye, bye. So I worked out at home until today. It's been a slow start for me but I'm trying to keep myself motivated, without a trainer, I don't have that type of money right now. I'm going to use the gym resources for free as long as I can maybe I'll get to the point where I won't need a trainer, maybe. There are a lot of online work out plans that I've been bookmarking and what I've done so far is to try and use every machine at the gym at least once by looking at the diagrams so that way I can familiarize myself with the place. It's scary being in there with all these experienced people. Shoot makes you want to just curl up in a corner and do the moves everyone had to learn in gym class and you know its fool proof.

In other news I washed my hair Thursday lol, I'm not good with washing my hair but with this new work out thingy I can't do the every two months thing. I'm going to have to move it up at least to every month. I hate washing my own hair!!! I rather have someone else do it the only good thing about washing my hair is seeing the length afterwards. So, I washed my hair and tried to do a roller set with perm rollers because I was going to Miami the next day and I was going to be on my old college campus I wanted to try something new. I suck with rollers but I guess it came out okay. It looked like old lady hair to me a bit too formal so I guess I'm going to stick to just simple braidouts until I get a bit more length. I kept pulling at it to relax the curls.

I'm coming up on my 9ths and my hair is really growing. I have to stop myself from smacking my back thinking there is a fly or something. It's great :) my cousin called me a few days ago after I'd text her a picture of my hair and she said she wanted to get her hair in sisterlocks. She has relaxed hair, so I had to give her some info because she thought it was something I'd done on my own. Chile boo me DIY? Not yet at least. Think she should look around some more before she decides to lock.

Hmmm...what else is there?

School is going great...I realized how much I missed being on a university campus when I went back to Miami so I'm looking forward to the spring semester, I want to live a real college student life get the full experience. Working full time will not rob me of the experience. I won't let it. That's about it I'm going to end this post here so that I can get some rest if I decide I'm going to work out before work tomorrow. I'll update my 1mths workout pics on the 8th.

-DiVA0Ut!!

I Hurt :(

Like I promised myself I went to the gym and actually worked out. I met with a personal trainer and explained some of the things that were important to me.

*Cardio, my number 1 priority is making sure my heart is in tip top shape.

*Gaining muscle mass- I weigh about 122 lbs, I wouldn't mind weighing in at 135 lbs if it was muscle and placed in the right places

* Toning...I want to reduce these humungous boobies (I think that hurt his feelings/ the look on his face was priceless a girl that wants to gain weight and lose boobs lol) abs of course, thighs, back, arms etc.

I want to be the bomb diggity basically...he asked me how serious I was about committing to this goal on a scale of 1-10 and I said a 15! Shoot I danced through out high-school and I was on the marching band I can take it. NOT I am in PAIN, and we only did a 30 minute work out. Squats, lunges, I don't even know all the technical names I just know that my body was all extra shaky and I couldn't even bring myself to drive at 70 mph cars were passing me. I'm a speeder I don't do below 70 on a highway. Than I couldn't bring myself to take my things out of the car, going up the stairs was painful I felt like I was learning to walk again. What happens if I choose him as my trainer?? AHHHH but the sick thing about it is, I can't WAIT to go back. lol

I'll try to update monthly. Pray for me y'all!!!

-DiVA 0ut ... home work is calling.

8 Months!

Woot Woot!! It's been eight months and I think I fell in love with my locks all over again. I had my hair re tightened Wednesday the 3rd, this time I didn't take pictures because I was thinking still no parts are showing other than that which lies in the middle, so I left it alone. Thursday I went to school like normal dressed in basketball shorts a white t-shirt and running shoes, didn't have to do much with my hair it was a low maintenance day for me as usual. Than Friday I woke up all extra early which allowed me added time for trying something new so I decided to try something with my hair. I loved it!!!! My hair looked locked I don't think anyone can mistake my hair for braids or twist anymore. I'm getting compliments everyday my family members say little things from time to time that let me know that they're starting to see the big picture and that just made me feel so good! So Friday night I went dancing with my sister and a couple friends and I wore a dress!!! That's a huge thing for me, I'll wear a pencil skirt or a dress shirt concoction with tights but it's been a while since I wore anything like this mini dress. My friends are always teasing me for being boyish and I know they would be proud to see me looking girlicious lol! (So of course I sent them all pictures) In the pictures with me are my sister in all her natural glory and her friend who is like a big brother to me :)

Hairy legs and a mini dress don't mesh well but I've been keeping with the waxing so I can show more of my chicken legs. So the hair went from a work day to a night out dancing and it did quite well if I might add. The next day I took down one of the twist and I was surprised to see where my hair fell down to. Needless to say I was feeling myself. The style didn't last 3 days because I grew tired of the bobby pins digging into my scalp but I think it would've done fine. Also, look at my kitchen, one of my locks is purple!! LOL I guess it's because I tried to color in lint on that lock and I thought it was a black marker but I guess it was actually purple as the picture reveals. Click the picture to get a better look.

School is going great I'm enjoying the classes as of now, I'm playing my violin without the lessons there was a time conflict so I had to cancel :( I popped one of my strings while playing with a friend lol that was kind of funny guess the strings were tired of me. I've since had it repaired. My gym has FINALLY opened up so Monday I go for my fitness evaluation than I'll start doing my yoga, cardio and weight training. Look forward to some before pictures in an up coming post.

Now on to other news. I was recently tagged by Meikmeika, and I've been thinking about it daily since I saw the tag what 6 things I would share. I still don't know but I'm just going to try to work it out. I'm also trying to figure out who all hasn't been tagged but I still haven't found them so hopefully by the time I'm done writing this post I'll have a few people to tag. So here are the rules:

1) Link to the person that tagged you: Meikmeika

2) Post the rules on the blog

3) Share six non-important things/habits/quirks about yourself.

** I've only kissed one guy he wasn't my boyfriend, and today is actually the 7yr anniversary of the last kiss that we shared LOL! Crazy for remembering it but I do because he was my best friend and first so called love. 09/07/01 He's now married and expecting his first child with his wife. Haven't kissed anyone since him and he doesn't know it.

** I have no fashion since what so ever!! As you can tell from what I wore to school on Thursday. I love basketball shorts, wife beaters, sweatshirts/pants, boy shorts, socks and sports bras. If I can't be naked that's all I can come up with on my own. My family members are always giving me a make over that rarely ever last a few days. lol I'm trying to do better though now that I'm getting older.

**I have a crush on Jet Li! LOL and Wong on Law and Order SVU, and the Chairman on Iron Chef and a couple other Asian men lol!

**I tried the online romance thing...my family and close friends are the only ones that know about it. It wasn't really online dating, because like I've stated before I never had a boyfriend; it was just one guy that I spoke to for months than I told my famillia that I thought I may want to pursue a relationship with this guy. He spoke to my mother and everything but I never met him it lasted 2.5 years as sort of pin pals and communication ceased recently . Being from an old school Haitian family I don't know what I was thinking but I did it, don't regret it, I've learned from it but I wouldn't recommend it. My family still makes fun of me for it but I'm grateful that they supported me :)

**I listen to NPR radio, I rarely find other people my age that admit to it but I love it. I get my classical music fix, and I'm enlightened on topics effecting the world rather than just the redundant celeb gossip.

**I have recently fallen in love....with reality TV lol...I watch : I Love Money, Making the Band, any dance competition shows, design shows on Bravo, Baldwin Hills and ANTM. My DVR makes it all possible.

Oh my GOODERNESS it took FOREVER for me to come up with those 6 things.

4) Tag six random people at the end of your post by linking to their blogs.

1.Diary of a Thin Hair Sister aka Helgalocks

2.Lockmocha

3.Nubeing

4.Ofo's SisterLocks

5.LovinMyLocs2

6. Any one that hasn't been tagged! :)

-DiVA 0ut!

The Journey Continues

I successfully completed the summer semester 2 A's and 2 B's funny thing is that the A's where in a subject that I'm normally not great in, science. It was surprising looking at my final posted grades and seeing that I actually did okay. I thought I had given up but subconsciously I couldn't allow myself to fail. To God be the glory on that because this DiVA clocked out midway through the second term. I'm currently on vacation from work and school which I certainly need after letting emotion interfere in the work place. I'm realizing that my anger issues have not disappeared like I tried to make myself and others believe. I mean after three anger management classes I'd like to think I was a bit happier? I guess I'm not fooling myself anymore because just last week a bone fell out of my closet. So, I decided rather than stuffing it back in and leaving it to fall back out I'm going to do something about it. The calmest time in my life was during the 4 years of high school. I believe it was because I was busy with EVERYTHING and I didn't have time to get angry if I did get angry I could go to band practice and kill the formations march the hekk out of the field, spin the flag hard like I was whacking someones head off kick as if I wanted to knock that person or situation into next week or even murder the strings of my violin. I had goals I had to accomplish I had to get out of the hood and show others that this was not all WE could be. I also realized that the anger reemerged once I began slipping backwards well more like getting too comfortable with in the place I'd arrived with the few goals I had accomplished lol! The devil doesn't ever want to see you happy. Counseling helped so I'm considering doing that again but some other things that I've decided to look into are picking up some of my old activities. Yoga and playing my violin primarily. I begin lessons next Thursday the 28th so I'll actually have to do more than take my violin out of it's case and just looking at it or holding it. Yoga will begin in September hopefully once this gym opens up. I've also been attending church services and that feels good, lastly school which is a must if I want to get that MBA before I'm 26 lol, who knows if that all works I may even start dancing on the side. I'm to young to be so serious I can't be everyones shero and I know they don't all expect it of me so I'm praying they're supportive of my quest to be a less angry and stressed out DiVA.

Sisterlocks, natural hair in general has given me a different perspective on how I want to live my life, this year began with a journey to learn how to love myself...I'm still learning how and I'm enjoying every minute of it. Well back to my vacation of romance novels ;)

DiVA 0ut!

7mths 6th Wash

It's been a while since my last post, and I guess a lot happened since then. I'm doing better, learning how to regulate my diet to combat with the fatigue associated with anemia. Completed the final summer term 4 days ago not sure what my grades are as of yet, I wrote two papers in philosophy that gained me 2 A's one on "Freedom and Responsibility: Blacks need to take responsibility for their freedom" and the second on "Morals, Slave and Master Morality: Slavery in America a necessity for freedom now". Yea it was hard writing the second one but some how I pulled it off. I bombed the midterm not sure what I got on the final so I'm in limbo as to what my grade is there. As for Oceanography I was averaging a B before the final so who knows. I was on the deans list after the Spring term, so I'm hoping that I keep that position, if the summer term even counts. As of right now I'm just excited that I have two full weeks without school. Hmm what else have I done? I went out one night with the same group again of course. It was actually okay though it made me aware of the options out in about in this miserable city. It seems I'm going to be single for a LOOOONG time. It's one thing when I say I'm not ready for a relationship and a totally different thing when there isn't any thing out there to be ready for. What has happen to the guys? Guess I've had my head buried in romance novels far too long. As for my hair, it's kept up with the stressful days and it's been wonderful. Even going out with the girls that night was okay all I did was gather my hair up with one bobby pin and was out and about looking fierce with nothing but a touch of lip gloss. Decided to treat my hair since it allows me to be so nappturally beautiful so I washed my hair last night finally. I'm not really feeling the sisterlocks shampoo it doesn't get a good lather. I badly want to use some sort of moisturizer in my hair, in a week it will be fine but after washing it feels weird. Right now my hair is curly because of the way I let them dry out. Yeah this post is just a bunch of random lines...I'm still off quilter, so bare with me. Um... I can wear hats! I thought I wouldn't be able to with my hair being short but it actually looks nice. Life in some ways is blah right now, my sister is on oxygen. My mother has good and bad days, last night being a bad one but part of today was good. We all went to church which hasn't happened in a while for me. I need to find a new church think it will help me to know that the burden is not all mine. My mother planned her funeral, she let me see a picture of her casket. Not one that I would've picked. Knowing that almost made me break down in tears to thinking I wouldn't have known what she would want, but today unknowingly to her, she reassured me that she's not going anywhere yet when she palmed my behind (PICTURED). Okay I'm stopping this post now since it's going every which way. Pictures are of my braid and band, braidout bantu, hat, ma famille, and me on my night out! You can click to enlarge. -DiVA OUT